The Gift & The Curse

        We are living in a digital time. The era of social media where you will find a photo with imagery depicting a strong male accompanied by a beautiful strong female, labeled “goals.” But is it really? Let’s be honest. As early as high school years, guys have always loved to pursue the hot girl on campus. Fast forward to adulthood, the irony of being the bomb ass independent woman, or “hot girl” so to speak that men say they are looking for can be a gift and a curse. Not every guy who wants the poppin chic can handle what comes along with her once they get her. 

         Lately I have had the opportunity to speak with various women who are experiencing, or have experienced this very thing. The question that they have for me is, “What can be done?” If I’m being honest, I myself can relate. And no one really wants a damsel in distress, so we aren’t dumbing ourselves down to make anyone feel comfortable. Which brings me to this...Fellas, it’s time that we have a very candid accountability conversation.

       During this conversation, there will be a few words that I’ll mention. Just to be clear on their meanings, I’m going to outline them in advance as a referral guide. You’re welcome. *insert wink* 
Ego~ a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance.

Insecurity~ uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.

Narcissism~ selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.

Communication~ to share or exchange information, news, or ideas. 

      This short laundry list of words tend to offend, but what’s more offensive than being in your own way?  The objective here is to start looking within and to cultivate healthy relationships. To do so, some hard truths have to be acknowledged. The first truth is, now more than ever, men and women need each other as a safe haven from the world in which we live.

       Many men see a woman who has a lot going for herself or is gushing with potential and become intrigued. This strong woman or should I say in most cases...alpha female is intelligent, intellectual and a problem solver. Though being an alpha female is more of a state of mind than a physicality, they tend to exude Sex appeal. She may even tend to be a bit unconsciously sassy. More than likely her defense mechanism. Alpha Females are also often terribly misunderstood by their mate. Which can become problematic and speak to insecurities that the men themselves did not even know they had under the surface. Things such as attire choice, male interaction, who’s liking her posts and vice versa can be things that over time begin to make them uncomfortable.

       After a while, the very things that attracted him become the very things that causes them strife. Now here’s the thing, I get it! You’ve snagged this amazing woman and you want to keep her all to yourself so that no one else can have the opportunity to find out about her what you already know. In many instances, those insecurities arise because deep down inside the man knows that he isn’t always putting his best foot forward and in his mind someone else may be able to slide in. There’s a simple fix for that. DO BETTER.

        If I can also let you all in on a secret, your woman who chose you, more than likely would love to keep you all to herself away from the world also. Mind you, women are at a disadvantage when it comes to the ratio of eligible men. However, a woman who is truly invested in the relationship is going to use her energy to show you that she wants you in her life as opposed to giving in to insecurities. Allowing it to form a wedge between you two.    

     Watering each other is  a must. Even the slightest of things such as compliments. Just as your woman should pour into you and make you feel like the handsome king that you are, it is also up to you not to miss the mark on doing the same. It doesn’t matter how many compliments she receives daily, there’s nothing like being edified by the man you love. Don’t fall victim to the smoke and mirrors of social media. More than likely, if she is there for business, she doesn’t even know half of the people who follow her, nor could care less about idle compliments. An alpha female is about her coin. 

       Sometimes, for the sake of a healthy relationship, uncomfortable conversations have to be had. There is a difference between expressing disdain toward something and being controlling. Show some vulnerability as opposed to allowing your inner feelings to fester. Let her know exactly what it is that you’re bothered by and find a middle ground. 

      Of all the many irreconcilable reasons that relationships fall apart, from infidelity on down the line, why allow a lack of communication to ruin a bond? No one is a mind reader. And as I often times say in my blogs, you cannot hold a person accountable for something that they do not know. Do not allow your ego to trick you into believing that she should just know that you are bothered by something.  

       Remember the power couple I mentioned in the beginning? A real power couple tackles issues meant to tear them apart and uses that fuel to build on. So much time is wasted because men feel like showing emotion makes them weak. Ladies, we have a responsibility to let our men know that they have a safe space to express themselves and be met with compromise. However fellas, not speaking up about something before it becomes an issue then blaming the woman comes across as exhibiting narcissistic behavior. That’s not an admirable trait. Remember, she is used to standing on her own. But make no mistake about it, even the strongest of woman desires a man that they can let down their guard for. 

      The reality is that we all want to be understood, but we have to extend that same understanding. A secure bond is characterized by 3 things. Emotional accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. A woman who is with you obviously sees your value, therefore would be willing to make adjustments and still have her own individuality. Just as you should have yours. I saw an interview with Iman Shumpert where he said that the best part of his relationship is their freedom to grow. I felt that. 
       I mean, isn’t one of the things that drew you to this independent woman the ability to grow and build with her? Growing as individuals then coming together to form a strong union can only be a force to be reckoned with. Honestly, it ain’t nothing out here in the world. If there aren’t any tangible issues such as disrespect or anything of the like, set aside the ego and implement communication.To get something you’ve never had you’ve gotta do something you never done. If you really want it, go within and do the work to keep it. And in some instances individual counseling is needed. However, you will end up repeating the same cycle over and over again if the underlying issue isn’t addressed. It will rear its head in different ways in every new situation you enter. Get out of your own way, cherish the beauty on your arm  and let your relationship flourish. Be your own “Goals!”~D.W. 



Tim Okamura











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